Letting Go

I just read a beautiful, moving story, written by someone who was a caregiver of an elderly woman who passed. You should read it. It made me think of both of my grandmas, then how it could be anyone's story, someone trapped inside their body, trying...wishing...praying...wanting to communicate with their loved one to no avail. It's called "Last Waltz". www.whyamiincollege.blogspot.com

I do believe that sometimes one becomes 'caught' in their body, wanting to get better, and perhaps knowing it's time to go, mostly to stop the pain of others. My grandpa held on, I believe, waiting for my dad to get to the hospital. Grandpa perked up when my dad finally got there, we all thought he was pulling through, but then after seeing my dad he died. Maybe he knew my dad would have a terrible time living with himself if he hadn't made it to the hospital (my dad had been gone for a couple of weeks and we couldn't find him).

Grandma E was "out of it" maybe like a coma. When she felt herself going she "came to" and started telling me Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma. She wanted my mom. My mom came in the room, grandma left.

Grandma J was dying slowly. Barely breathing. Hospice would tell us it's time (for her to go) then she would pull out of it. Her oldest son was on his way from Ca. I believe she was trying to hold on for him. She didn't make it.

The above mentioned "Last Waltz" brought back these memories. It could have been written for any of us.

taking time for me

I'm debating if I'll stay up all night and clean, or go to sleep. Hell of a choice huh? I just got home from having a spa. You know www.freehomespa.com and I'm full of excitement. I really feel like I can't sleep. All of us ladies had a great time. I was exhausted when I first left to do the spa, was even hoping (kinda) that she would cancel. I'm so glad I went (and that she didn't cancel). I love helping women relax, rejuvinate, and renew their spirit. I got into the spa business, not for the money, but to help women relax, take time for themselves.

Problem is we as wifes and mothers put ourselves so far down the totem pole as far as priorities go that we forget to take care US! My dad always tells me "If you aren't ok, no one is ok. Take time for you and the world becomes much easier to handle, then I can take on the world, only if I'm ok". He's trying to tell me I have to take time for me and quit taking care of everybody else. Taking care of the world is what I've always done. Even as a kid, I would give the last of anything I had to my brothers and sister. (They probably don't even remember) I used to get a dime for every A, and a nickle for every B. Now I'm not talking about report cards, this was school work I would bring home almost nightly. I always spent the money on by brothers and sister. Old habits are hard to break. I'm now 45 and still I will give my last dollar to someone who needs it or sometimes because they ask for it. What's wrong with me, I blame on my dad (haha it's a joke now) He pounded it into my head since I was old enough to think, "always take care of your brothers and sister". This message has taken on the masquarade of taking care of everyone. I've done way more then my share, and this breaks my heart to say, but I'm saying it anyway. Once my husband and I split up (before we were married) I went to stay with my mom and sister. Now, I have a special needs child, who yes can and does operate a VCR fairly well, but does have trouble because of his muscular dystrophy. While staying there it came my weekend for Anthony. My sister wanted to know if I could go somewhere else with him because he may break her VCR, or mess her house up. That kind of stuff breaks my heart. For one I would gladly by a dozen VCRs because it is something my son can do all by himself!! And I certainly wouldn't let him distroy her house and would have bought her another VCR if he broke it. I guess she forgot all the times she lived with me 'rent free'. Man, I sound a little bitter huh? Sorry I certainly don't mean to. I guess I wanted to get that out and this seemed like a nice place to do it.

So this takes me back to the www.freehomespa.com with Beauti Control. I've notice once the women try the spa experience, they fall in love, and want more spas. What happens is a lady books a spa, then gets busy taking care of everyone else, family, friends, etc. that the last thing she thinks about is taking care of her. I try to relay that message in my spa's, that we deserve to pamper ourselves at times and it's actually good to do that. Like dad said, 'if I'm on top of the world, rested and appreciated, I can take care of the world with no problem". I wish I could get the message to other ladies, that we put everyone else first, husband, family, job. Where is the time for us. We are so busy with other priorities we push ourselves farther down the totem poll(like I said before) tell we are last in our line of priorities.

I don't know how to change it for myself, so I certainly can't get women to understand how important it is, but I'm trying.

Jeff

I just read my son's Xanga web log. He got drunk last night. He mentioned he knew I would read his post so he wouldn't say too much about it. I worry about him. A lot. His father was an alcoholic, and I was an addict, both of us starting in our teenage years. So if you believe the medical books, son # 3 has the makings of an alcoholic/addict too. He's amost 22. I just worry about him. My boys' dad died in May. They struggle. How do I help? This weekend was the first time he was in a play (he does theater in college) without his dad there. I know he's struggling, as is his brother. I wish I could take their pain away. How do you do that? I think just by being there. Which I am. His dad wrote him a 6 page letter just hours before he died. He died of a heart attack so he didn't know he was leaving us, but his letter was about alcoholism, and warning him of the dangers. I want Jeff to remember his dad's letter. Take it to heart. Honor him by remembering his warnings. I need to talk to him.